Blogscraps: Relações

Showing posts with label Relações. Show all posts

I once held her in my arms
She said she would always stay
But I was cruel
I treated her like a fool
I threw it all away

Once I had mountains in the palm of my hand
And rivers that ran through every day
I must have been mad
I never knew what I had
Until I threw it all away

Love is all there is, it makes the world go 'round
Love and only love, it can't be denied
No matter what you think about it
You just won't be able to do without it
Take a tip from one who's tried

So if you find someone that gives you all of her love
Take it to your heart, don't let it stray
For one thing that's certain
You will surely be a-hurtin'
If you throw it all away
If you throw it all away

Girlfriend / Boyfriend

Partners in committed non-marital relationships are also sometimes described as a significant other or partner, [3] especially if the individuals are cohabiting.

Boyfriend and partner mean different things to different people; the distinctions between the terms are subjective. How the term is used will ultimately be determined by personal preference.[4]

A 2005 study of 115 people ages 21 to 35 who were either living with or had lived with a romantic partner notes that the lack of proper terms often leads to awkward situations, such as someone upset over not being introduced in social situations to avoid the question.[5]

There is a significant difference between girlfriend and boyfriend, and girl friend and boy friend. In a strictly grammatical sense, a girlfriend[6] or boyfriend[7] is an 'individual of significance' with whom one shares a relationship.

Here

Códigos / Recognitions...

'You are a stranger?' he asked, inhaling deeply and with immense satisfaction.
I said that I was English, and that I and my family lived in a Villa up in the hills. Then I waited for the inevitable questions as to sex, number, and age of my family, their work and aspirations, followed by a skillful cross-examination as to why we lived in Corfu. This was the usual peasant way; it was not done unpleasantly, nor with any motive other than friendly interest. They would vouchsafe their own private business to you with great simplicity and frankness, and would be hurt if you did not do the same. But, to my surprise, the man seemed satisfied with my answer, and asked nothing further, but sat there blowing fine streamers of smoke into the sky and staring about him with dreamy blue eyes.
Gerald Durrell, My Family & Other Animals

SLOW LOVE and Why him? Why her?

Dr. Helen Fisher: "Anatomy of Love" | Talks At Google

We've got data on over 30,000 people. Every year I ask a lot of questions, and one is about one night stands and friends with benefits and living together and every year I end up finding that over 50% of people have had a one night stand over the course of their lives, over 50% have had friends with benefits and over 50% have lived with somebody long term. I thought to myself that it's quite a lot of people doing what in this cutter is a bit frowned upon… They're not all 'crazy', there's got to be something going on here. Most people think that this is pure recklessness of the young, but the old are just as reckless… I finally stumbled on a statistic which was that 60% / 70% of people in America today, who are living in a long term partnership before marrying are TERRIFIED of the social, the legal and the emotional and the economic consequences of divorce. So maybe it's not recklessness. Maybe it's caution. Given an age where we're not scared of pregnancy, we're not scared of diseases, you don't have to walk the walk of shame… and I think an awful lot of people are taking their time to find the right person. We're moving into an age what I call a long pre-commitment stage, before marriage. We want to know every single about this person, before we tie the knot. before we marry, and I call it 'Slow Love'.

THE 3 BRAIN REGIONS LINKED TO LONG TERM HAPPY RELATIONSHIPS:

What makes a happy marriage?

On those people (in a long term marriage or in a long term relationship) who showed a lot of activity in the brain regions linked with romantic love, and also scored high on a marriage satisfaction questionnaire, we found three brain regions associated with long term happiness. Now, psychologists have a host of different ways of telling you what makes a happy partnership…

This is what the brain says (I'm just trying to add what the brain says):

In these people in long term happy marriages, in two very different parts of the world (America and China), we found activity in a brain region linked with empathy, in a brain region linked to controlling you one's stress, your own emotions, and in a brain region what we call, positive illusions: the ability to overlook what you don't like about this person and focus on what you do.

I would also say that if you really want a long term happy relationship, keep up your sex life with the person (that can trigger romantic love and feelings of attachment), stay in touch with the person (any kind of touch drives up the oxytocin system), and do novel things together (novelty definitely drives up the dopamine system).

But most important you've got to pick the right person.

Q: I want to ask about whether there's any sort of feedback systems between the conscience mind and your undercurrent system and so much that you can control…? Aqui

HF: There's always feedback. Some people are predisposed to alcoholism and they give up drinking. Some people are lazy and they go to their job everyday. Some people would love to philander with this or that and they chose not to. Scientists now think that a good 40 to 60% of who you are is biologically derived, and a good 40 to 60% is culturally derived. And, you know, people began to win Nobel prizes for epigenetics. For the fact that these are always in cahoots. Culture is going to change biological patterns and biology is going to change certain cultural patterns.

On monogamy, poliamory and jealousy. Aqui.

Why him? Why her?

In Match.com, in 40 countries and over 14 million people answered the questionaire.

Aqui

How to be kind when you're upset with your partner

"A relationship is the concerted effort of two people who mindfully and enthusiastically work towards a shared vision. Despite the difficulties of daily life, partners are in charge of their own behaviour. While a couple grows together, they are not precluded from growing as individuals as well – in fact they must evolve as individuals to continually bring their “best selves” to their partner."
Mais aqui.

The Lobster

"One day, as he was playing golf, he thought that it is more difficult to pretend that you do have feelings when you don't, than to pretend you don't have feelings when you do."
The Lobster

Toxic masculinity

aqui

Will you marry me?

Relações

Question = What are the core reasons or the core things you see over and over, that either end or make a relationship challenging to be in. What are the challenges that come up over and over that you see?

Answer = There is always three questions, right?

— What's a thriving relationship?

— What can go wrong?

— How do you fix it?

I think there are a number of things in a relationship that become corner stones of the demise. I'm not going to list them in order but they are all part of each other.

— INDIFFERENCE

— CONTEMPT

— NEGLET

— VIOLENCE

These are probably the four most important. I'm not talking about big violence. Micro aggressions are plenty.

Indifference: when you start to feel like the other person fundamentally is not really caring about you or you don't care about them. What they feel, what they think, what they're about. It's more than losing of interest. It's also when you are indifferent you degrade the other person. They are less important to you. They don't matter. And ultimately what we feel in relationships is that we matter. It's the essential reason for connecting to people. We are creatures of meaning: "I matter to you, to some one. You care about me. You want my well being. You're proud of me. You want good for me. You're benevolent". All of that.

When you are indifferent, the whole thing goes. Then you start to taste that cold that creeps in. That sense of estrangement, that complete disconnect.

Neglet: when people just basically take each other for granted. They take more care of their car than of their partner, or their dog, or their yard, their business. Anything. Everything gets priority. Everything gets reviewed, evaluated, attended to… People have this idea that they put it all in when they were dating and then once they seal the knot, it's like now they don't have to do squat anymore. And they go into this complete sense of complacency, laziness. It's amazing, they just think this thing is going to live on it's own. Like a cactus.

Violence: the abuse, the level of disrespect. Most people talk nicer to anybody else than their partner when a relationship degrades. Because you can get away with it. Because if you talk like this at work you're gone! Because if you talk like this to the police you're gone! Because if you talk like this on the street you're being punched!

But with your partner you've got that sense that they're gonna be there anyway. They're just gonna take it because it's family. And family is this kind of thing that doesn´t dissolve so easily. So you can just lash out at them and talk to them with a tone, and a dismissal. That is phenomenal. I'm not talking about physical violence and those big things.

Contempt: I think contempt is the top one. Contempt is the killer of them all. because in contempt there the degradation: "you're nothing, nothing. I can kill you with that one gaze, with that one eyebrow that goes up… With, what the fuck do you think you are?". And that's it. You're done.

Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved

Ignore Your Feelings

Khazan: One thing that’s interesting in the love chapter, it seems like sex is not necessarily seen as the highest priority in a relationship. I wonder how you reached that conclusion and whether you think that’s controversial at all in your field? A lot of the messages we get about relationships are that once you get everything figured out sexually, the whole ship rights itself.

Michael: I think that expectation is really dangerous. A partnership with all that life throws at you, and even more stuff that gets thrown at you when you have a kid. It's really hard, and you're tired and angry, and if in addition to that you expect the feelings to be positive and loving and warm, you just feel like a horrible loser.
Whereas if you've gone into with more common sense, and a sense that this is really somebody you want to be with, but you’ve also checked them out, and they’re solid, and they’re not using substances, and they want to go the same way you do, and if you want to have kids, that that’s what they want too, and that they're good in a pinch and good in an emergency—in other words, you've thought a bit about the job description, and the values somebody has to really be a good partner in life. Then you're much more likely 10 or 20 years later to really love them.
I've seen people through a lot of divorces. Divorces never seem to be because “I fell out of love with you.” Divorces are much more partnership issues: “I love you but I can't stand the way you've spent us into the poorhouse, or the way you never do your job, or you’re always out at night drinking, or a certain way you never accept me and you never did, I thought you would someday.” It all has to do with partnership issues.

Sarah: People also, over the course of long relationships—their interests change, and their interest in sex changes. If you are with someone that you have vetted in this way, that you know is reliable, that you know you can trust in certain ways, that you have a more substantial connection with, [then] if the sex fades you have less to worry about. Sex and attraction are two more things you really can’t control. Especially when you get older. It's part of your physiology that really isn’t in your hands.
Holding yourself responsible and your relationship responsible for having the same chemistry you once had when you first met in your 20s, and you’re now in your 50s, is really not fair.

Mais, aqui

It's not about the nail

on life and caring

"One of the deep secrets of life is that all that is really worth doing is what we do for others."
Lewis Carroll

"When we were infants, unable to meet our physical and emotional needs, pain and pleasure came magically from the outside world. When the bottle or the breast appeared, our hunger was satisfied. When we were cuddled, we felt soothed. When we were left alone in our cribs to cry, we felt angry and afraid. As we grow older, our old Brain remained frozen in this passive worldview: good feelings and bad feelings were created by the actions of other people; we couldn't take care of ourselves; others had to do it for us. The part of me that hurt couldn't accept love from within myself because I had no way to receive self-love. Nor does anyone else. Salvation is not an 'inside' job; it is the outcome of being nourished by others."
Harville Hendrix, Getting all the Love You Want

The power struggle

"Even today, I am impressed by how aggressively each of us defends our seperate reality. It must be connected to our fear of the loss of self. If I see it your way, I will have to surrender my way. If I feel your experience, I will have to invalidate mine. If what you say is true, then what I say must be false. There can be only one center of the universe and that center is me! But if I muster the courage to suspend my own point of view for a moment and then manage to see a fraction of your reality, something miraculous happens. First of all, you feel safer around me. Because I am no longer challenging your worldview, you can start to lower your defenses. As you do this, you become more willing to acknowledge a portion of my reality. Because I have abandoned my centrist position, you are more willing to let go of yours. To our mutual surprise, a drawbridge descends on its rusty hinges, and you and I connect."
Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want

The fear of pleasure and other stuff

"People believe that separation opens their eyes to their self-defeating behaviors and gives them an opportunity to resolve those problems with a new partner. But unless they understand the unconscious Desire that motivated their dysfunctional behavior in the first relationship, and learn how to satisfy those desires with the new partner, the second relationship is destined to run aground on the same submerged rocks."

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"But there are other, subtler reasons the exercise works so well. One is that it helps people erode the infantile belief that their partners can read their minds. During romantic love, people operate out of the erroneous belief that their partners know exactly what it is that they want. When their partners fail to satisfy their secret desires, they assume that they are deliberately depriving them of pleasure. The romanticizing exercise prevents this downward spiral by requiring couples to tell each other exactly what pleases them, decreasing their reliance on mental telepathy."

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"Random reinforcement, one of the principles of behavioral science, is the idea that a pleasurable action loses its effectiveness if it's repeated with predictable regularity.
[...] A behaviorist would say that the reason routine gifts aren't as exciting is that the " psychoneurological system has become desensitized to predictable, repetitive pleasure. " [...] A curve ball needs to be thrown in now and then to pique their interest. "

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"I knew that when couples have fun together they identify each other as a source of pleasure and safety, which intensifies their emotional bond."

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"On a conscious level, we go to great lengths to seek happiness. Why, then, should we be afraid of it? To make sense of this reaction, we need to remember that the sensation of being fully alive is deeply pleasurable. When we were young children, our life energy was boundless and we experienced intense joy. But some of our pleasure was curtailed by our caregivers so that we could be safe and conform to social norms: " Girls don't yell and run." "Don't jump on the couch." "Be careful! Come down from that tree." "You're making too much noise." But our fun was also cut short because it threatened the repressed state of our caregivers. [...] As these limits were imposed on us, sometimes in punitive ways, we began to make an unlikely association between pleasure and pain. [...] On an unconscious level, this negative stimulus triggered the fear of death. Eventually we limited our own pleasure so that we could reduce our anxiety. We learned that to be fully alive was dangerous.
However, applying the strange logic of children, we didn't blame our parents or society for equating pleasure with pain; it simply appeared to be our lot in life. We told ourselves, "My parents limited my pleasure, so I must not have been worthy of it." It was somehow safer to believe that we were intrinsically undeserving than to believe that our parents were incapable off meeting our needs or had deliberately diminished our happiness. Gradually we developed a built-in prohibition against pleasure. "

Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want

The Brain and Being Human

The Chemistry between us, aqui
Liquid Trust, aqui

Stuff for the boys

"I think the underlying subtext of almost all sex and dating advice, right now, is man versus woman, like the battle of the sexes. We [in the book] are the opposite. We're saying that all relationships should be win/win. If you want to have physical interactions with women, that's cool! Find women who want the same thing, and they are going to get what they want too! If you want a wife, find a woman who's also looking for a husband, who finds you attractive."
Tucker Max

Entrevista com Tucker Max, autor do livro 'Mate'

Mating Grounds link

Entrevista com Dr. Geoffrey Miller: Becoming the Man Women Want

Becoming the man women want: link

To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This

"It’s true you can’t choose who loves you, although I’ve spent years hoping otherwise, and you can’t create romantic feelings based on convenience alone. Science tells us biology matters; our pheromones and hormones do a lot of work behind the scenes.
But despite all this, I’ve begun to think love is a more pliable thing than we make it out to be. Arthur Aron’s study taught me that it’s possible — simple, even — to generate trust and intimacy, the feelings love needs to thrive." Aqui

"A recent Modern Love essay refers to a study that explores whether intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by having them ask each other a specific series of personal questions. The idea is that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness." Aqui.

"The basis of the 36 questions is that back-and-forth self-disclosure, that increases gradually (not too fast), is consistently linked with coming to like the other person you do this with. We just made it a systematic method that could be used in the lab. In more recent research by Harry Reis and colleagues, another factor is also proving very important -- being responsive to the other's self-disclosure! These factors are important for both starting a relationship, and even more important, for its continued quality." Aqui.

THE 36 questions “scientifically” proven to help people fall in love — aqui

Mais sobre este livro, aqui

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