A Psychologist's Thoughts on Love and Marriage-Sadia Khan
A Psychologist's Thoughts On Love and Marriage-Orion Taraban, Psy.D. (Part 1)
A Divorce Attorney's Thoughts On Love and Marriage-James Sexton
Showing posts with label Sexo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sexo. Show all posts
The problem of men writing about sex
Emasculated — The problem of men writing about sex
"... and what a relief we might assume the reader to feel when this kind man imagines things from her perspective – that she has the right to find him physically repellent – and when he proposes a platonic friendship instead. The darkness is dispelled and the protagonist’s decency is rewarded in the next page by the young woman’s eventual erotic desire for him, his kindness overriding all."
"We’ve had to listen to men’s accounts of desire for a long time; now it’s women’s turn. Men are always reducing women to minor characters. Why should we listen to them exalting their lust? Isn’t this the cultural noise that allows a man like Weinstein to make his moves? Aren’t you embarrassed to be making the case you’re making?"
Aqui
Girlfriend / Boyfriend
Partners in committed non-marital relationships are also sometimes described as a significant other or partner, [3] especially if the individuals are cohabiting.
Boyfriend and partner mean different things to different people; the distinctions between the terms are subjective. How the term is used will ultimately be determined by personal preference.[4]
A 2005 study of 115 people ages 21 to 35 who were either living with or had lived with a romantic partner notes that the lack of proper terms often leads to awkward situations, such as someone upset over not being introduced in social situations to avoid the question.[5]
There is a significant difference between girlfriend and boyfriend, and girl friend and boy friend. In a strictly grammatical sense, a girlfriend[6] or boyfriend[7] is an 'individual of significance' with whom one shares a relationship.
Here
In a different voice
Virginie Despentes on Killing Rapists
"I believe in feminine behaviour in the sense of docility. It's something we're taught as women, hiding our feelings and not listening to yourself. Not listening to what you know is wrong for you, and smiling when you're just destroyed inside. Something very feminine that men do super fine. But we're taught as little girls to smile when it is bad."
Virginie Despentes
The lack-of-relationship culture / Maybe it's time to start talking about love, then
... and intimacy...
"Are rising rates of unhappiness contributing to the sex recession? Almost certainly. But mightn’t a decline in sex and intimacy also be leading to unhappiness?"
"[Ian Kerner]... works with a lot of men who, inspired by porn, “are still masturbating like they’re 17,” to the detriment of their sex life. “It’s taking the edge off their desire,” he said. Kerner believes this is why more and more of the women coming to his office in recent years report that they want sex more than their partners do. [...] for one thing, many straight women told me that learning about sex from porn seemed to have given some men dismaying sexual habits.
[...] “my undergraduates tell me they try hard not to fall in love during college, imagining that would mess up their plans.
[...] ”the overwhelming majority of matches don’t lead to so much as a two-way text exchange, much less a date, much less sex.
[...] Many online daters spend large amounts of time pursuing people who are out of their league. Few of their messages are returned, and even fewer lead to in-person contact.
[...] In my interviews with young women, I heard too many iterations to count of “he did something I didn’t like that I later learned is a staple in porn,” choking being one widely cited example. Outside of porn, some people do enjoy what’s known as erotic asphyxiation—they say restricting oxygen to the brain can make for more intense orgasms—but it is dangerous and ranks high on the list of things you shouldn’t do to someone unless asked to.
[...] A 31-year-old in Phoenix explained that in her experience, porn has made men “expect that they can make any woman orgasm by just pounding away.”
[...] Research suggests that, for most people, casual sex tends to be less physically pleasurable than sex with a regular partner.
[...] If young people are delaying serious relationships until later in adulthood, more and more of them may be left without any knowledge of what good sex really feels like.
[...] Other sources of sexual inhibition speak distinctly to the way we live today. For example, sleep deprivation strongly suppresses desire—and sleep quality is imperiled by now-common practices like checking one’s phone overnight. "
Option paralysis: The tendency, when given unlimited choices, to make none (a term popularized by Black Mirror).
FOBO: fear of a better option.
“spectatoring”—that is, worrying about how you look and sound while you’re having sex.
Article: Why Are Young People Having So Little Sex?
Of chaos and butterflies
Hmmm...
The tangled web between the 'mind/body' connection...the physical and the subjective perception, imagination and reality, feelings and emotions...
... no reino da física quântica, a observação condiciona sempre o resultado da interacção entre o observado e o observador.
Não será, portanto, legítimo, extrapolarmos do microcosmos para o macrocosmos?
Article: What is an orgasm, anyway?
It is a red pill, indeed!
"We rarely talk openly about what’s required for a woman to have a good sexual experience, and so many heterosexual women learn the mechanics of sex and female orgasms from movies (most of which are written, directed and produced by ... men). What I like to call the three-strokes-of-penetration-bite-your-lip-arch-the-back-and-moan routine. [...] Many years ago I decided to take back my body and claim my confidence. This was about both owning my years of education and accepting only a worthy male partner. A man truly interested in learning what I like."
Aqui
Ronaldo case
Muita informação em pouco espaço. Vale a pena ler.
"Como se o Estado Novo tivesse saído do país mas tivesse ficado dentro nós, aprisionados por aqueles valores de heróis nacionais, de mulheres que são sérias não têm ouvidos, não usam decotes ou saias curtas, não dançam em discotecas, não se abraçam a homens, não saem sozinhas com homens e muito menos à noite, não entram num quarto com um homem. E estamos a falar da exigência mínima. Porque foi aí, tão baixo, que chegámos. Já nem se está a falar em considerar que “não é não”, seja em que situação for, e dito por quem quer que seja: uma mulher desconhecida do parceiro, a mulher ao marido ou uma prostituta."
A máscara que caiu com Ronaldo, por Helena Garrido
Aqui
"A burca é usada para cobrir mulheres islâmicas apenas por causa desta concepção doentia de homem incapaz de se controlar, caso vislumbre uma nesga de corpo feminino. Um horror, ver os homens assim representados. Mas também entre nós persiste esta representação. [...] Mas a recusa do silêncio é o gesto verdadeiramente libertador e emancipador do movimento #Metoo. Houve quem lhes chamasse mulheres sem carácter. É não perceber que é precisamente contra essa condição a que foram destinadas que se rebelam."
Aqui
Sexual Double Standards
The Bias Against Understanding the Biological Foundations of Women's Behavior.
"Combating the forces that make people back off of scientific findings that might be controversial."
A Conversation with Martie Haselton, here.
We don’t know enough about important issues that impact women. We don’t know enough about potential side effects of using hormonal contraception. There’s a lot of speculation about it, but most of that speculation is problematic. If you eliminate women’s hormone cycles, what are the implications? That’s an important question. We still don’t know enough about hormone supplements for women later in life. We don’t even know enough about fertility. The data are also problematic. The data on fertility in women’s third, fourth, fifth decades of life are based on ancient records, 200 years old. The statistics that doctors will cite when they are telling women whether they need to see a fertility specialist or not are from a period before modern medicine was really in place, which is outrageous. More recognition of the biological influences on women’s behavior is going to awaken these areas of research, and that will have a positive impact.
MARTIE HASELTON is a professor of psychology and communication studies at the Institute for Society and Genetics and UCLA. She is the author of Hormonal: The Hidden Intelligence of Hormones—How They Drive Desire, Shape Relationships, Influence Our Choices, and Make Us Wiser.
More about Martie Haselton
"We have a study that shows that women, when they start new relationships and then they say that they have fallen in love with their partner, their immune gene transcription profile suggests that they are increasing their anti-viral resistance." [min29:12]
Mitos por terra
Estereótipos culturais que influenciam as perguntas que fazemos acerca da biologia da reprodução...
"Once in the oviduct, sperm are temporarily bound to the inner surface, and only some are released and allowed to approach the egg. [...] evolution has evidently led to a series of obstacles in the female reproductive tract that strictly limit the number of sperm allowed to surround an egg. [...] the female’s role in fertilisation is by no means as passive as is often assumed. [...] The entrenched notion that human sperm, once ejaculated, engage in a frantic race to reach the egg has completely overshadowed the real story of reproduction, including evidence that many sperm do not dash towards the egg but are instead stored for many days before proceeding. It was long accepted as established fact that human sperm survive for only two days in a woman’s genital tract. However, from the mid-1970s on, mounting evidence revealed that human sperm can survive intact for at least five days. An extended period of sperm survival is now widely accepted, and it could be as long as 10 days or more. [...] Another dangerous misconception is the myth that men retain full fertility into old age, starkly contrasting with the abrupt cessation of fertility seen in women at menopause. Abundant evidence shows that, in men, sperm numbers and quality decline with increasing age. Moreover, it has recently emerged that mutations accumulate about four times faster in sperm than in eggs, so semen from old men is actually risk-laden."
"Once in the oviduct, sperm are temporarily bound to the inner surface, and only some are released and allowed to approach the egg. [...] evolution has evidently led to a series of obstacles in the female reproductive tract that strictly limit the number of sperm allowed to surround an egg. [...] the female’s role in fertilisation is by no means as passive as is often assumed. [...] The entrenched notion that human sperm, once ejaculated, engage in a frantic race to reach the egg has completely overshadowed the real story of reproduction, including evidence that many sperm do not dash towards the egg but are instead stored for many days before proceeding. It was long accepted as established fact that human sperm survive for only two days in a woman’s genital tract. However, from the mid-1970s on, mounting evidence revealed that human sperm can survive intact for at least five days. An extended period of sperm survival is now widely accepted, and it could be as long as 10 days or more. [...] Another dangerous misconception is the myth that men retain full fertility into old age, starkly contrasting with the abrupt cessation of fertility seen in women at menopause. Abundant evidence shows that, in men, sperm numbers and quality decline with increasing age. Moreover, it has recently emerged that mutations accumulate about four times faster in sperm than in eggs, so semen from old men is actually risk-laden."
The Beloved is me
"The Dodson model of the empowered female did a great deal of good, but also caused some harm. The good is that feminism of that era had to break the association of heterosexual female sexual awakening with dependency on a man. The harm is that the feminism of this era successfully broke the association of heterosexual female sexual awakening with dependency on a man. "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle," as one seventies-era feminist bumper sticker insisted. The feminist model of heterosexuality – that straight women can fuck like men, or get by with a great vibrator and no other attention to self-love, and be simply instrumentalist about their pleasure – turned out to have created a new set of impossible ideals, foisted, if through the best of intentions, upon "liberated" women. Feminism has evaded the far more difficult question of how to be a liberated heterosexual woman and how to acknowledge deep physical needs for connection with men. As nature organized things, we ideally have a partner in the dance. If we don't have a partner, there is attention we should give to self-love as self-care. It does not solve straight women's existential dilemma, the tension between our dependency needs and our needs for independence, simply to declare that the dance has changed.
The harm of this model of female sexuality is that it reaffirms a fractured, commercialized culture's tendency to see people, including "sexually liberated women," as isolated, self-absorbed units, and to see pleasure as something one needs to acquire the way one acquires designer shoes, rather than as a medium of profound intimacy with another, or with one's self, or as a gateway to a higher, more imaginative, fully realized dimension that includes and affects all aspects of one's life.
[...] I think it is very possible, judging from tremendous amount of data we have seen about what women need psychologically, which they are generally not getting, that they are saying they are dissatisfied because the "available models of sexuality" – the post-Dodson, post-Hefner, post-porn, married two-career, hurried, or young and single drunk-with-a-stranger-in-a-bar-or-dorm-room models – are, long term, just plain physically untenable. These models of female sexuality – left to us by a combination of pressures ranging from an incomplete development of feminism in the 1970's, to a marketplace that likes us overemployed and undersexed, to the speeding up of sexual pacing set by pornography – doom women eventually to emotional strain caused by physiological strain. These models of female sexuality are simply extremely physically, emotionally, and existentially unsatisfying. (This model of sex may well doom Western heterosexual men in other ways, deserving of their own book.)"
Naomi Wolf, Vagina
Porn for women
SLOW LOVE and Why him? Why her?
Dr. Helen Fisher: "Anatomy of Love" | Talks At Google
We've got data on over 30,000 people.
Every year I ask a lot of questions, and one is about one night stands and friends with benefits and living together and every year I end up finding that over 50% of people have had a one night stand over the course of their lives, over 50% have had friends with benefits and over 50% have lived with somebody long term.
I thought to myself that it's quite a lot of people doing what in this cutter is a bit frowned upon… They're not all 'crazy', there's got to be something going on here.
Most people think that this is pure recklessness of the young, but the old are just as reckless…
I finally stumbled on a statistic which was that 60% / 70% of people in America today, who are living in a long term partnership before marrying are TERRIFIED of the social, the legal and the emotional and the economic consequences of divorce.
So maybe it's not recklessness. Maybe it's caution. Given an age where we're not scared of pregnancy, we're not scared of diseases, you don't have to walk the walk of shame… and I think an awful lot of people are taking their time to find the right person.
We're moving into an age what I call a long pre-commitment stage, before marriage. We want to know every single about this person, before we tie the knot. before we marry, and I call it 'Slow Love'.
THE 3 BRAIN REGIONS LINKED TO LONG TERM HAPPY RELATIONSHIPS:
What makes a happy marriage?
On those people (in a long term marriage or in a long term relationship) who showed a lot of activity in the brain regions linked with romantic love, and also scored high on a marriage satisfaction questionnaire, we found three brain regions associated with long term happiness. Now, psychologists have a host of different ways of telling you what makes a happy partnership…
This is what the brain says (I'm just trying to add what the brain says):
In these people in long term happy marriages, in two very different parts of the world (America and China), we found activity in a brain region linked with empathy, in a brain region linked to controlling you one's stress, your own emotions, and in a brain region what we call, positive illusions: the ability to overlook what you don't like about this person and focus on what you do.
I would also say that if you really want a long term happy relationship, keep up your sex life with the person (that can trigger romantic love and feelings of attachment), stay in touch with the person (any kind of touch drives up the oxytocin system), and do novel things together (novelty definitely drives up the dopamine system).
But most important you've got to pick the right person.
Q: I want to ask about whether there's any sort of feedback systems between the conscience mind and your undercurrent system and so much that you can control…? Aqui
HF: There's always feedback. Some people are predisposed to alcoholism and they give up drinking. Some people are lazy and they go to their job everyday. Some people would love to philander with this or that and they chose not to. Scientists now think that a good 40 to 60% of who you are is biologically derived, and a good 40 to 60% is culturally derived. And, you know, people began to win Nobel prizes for epigenetics. For the fact that these are always in cahoots. Culture is going to change biological patterns and biology is going to change certain cultural patterns.
On monogamy, poliamory and jealousy. Aqui.
Why him? Why her?
In Match.com, in 40 countries and over 14 million people answered the questionaire.
Das partes e do todo
Back in the 70s...
" The vagina and vulva were primarily understood as mediating sexual pleasure. What was important was technique — one's own masturbatory technique,, and the skills one taught to a partner. Feminists and pornographers alike defined the vagina and vulva in terms of the mechanics of orgasm. [...] The harm of this model of female sexuality is that it reaffirms a fractured, commercialized culture's tendency to see people, including "sexually liberated women," as isolated, self-absorbed units, and to see pleasure as something one needs to acquire the way one acquires designer shoes, rather than as a medium of profound intimacy with one another, or with one's self, or as a gateway to a higher, more imaginative, fully realized dimension that includes and affects all aspects of life."
Naomi Wolf, Vagina
The porn myth
"For most of human history, erotic images have been reflections of, or celebrations of, or substitutes for, real naked women. For the first time in human history, the images’ power and allure have supplanted that of real naked women. Today, real naked women are just bad porn."
"After the article's publication, I was flooded by distressed — and distressing — emails from men who reported that what I described had happened to them. They were distraught. They wrote to me that, over time, they felt a need to watch more and more porn to achieve arousal at all; they felt less and less choice about whether or not to use it; and they were experiencing escalating sexual difficulty in bed with their girlfriends or wives, to whom they had previously been very attracted. These men were a perfectly "normal" cross section of people with no apparent axe to grind; they had no ideological objections to porn use in general, and were not "crusaders" — they were just suffering, and frightened. What really struck me was that haunting sense many had of a loss of choice; these were often men who were perfectly in control in most or all other areas of their lives, and they were writing to me about feeling themselves to be at the mercy of something in their lives over which they felt powerless."
Naomi Wolf, Vagina
Naomi Wolf, Vagina
More performative utterances
"In Han dynasty China (206 BCE–220 CE) or Indian fifteen hundred years ago or in the thirteenth-century Japan, when the vagina was portrayed as the most sacred spot in the most sacred temple in a sacred universe, that was how woman's brains experienced their vaginas. When, as in medieval Europe during the witch hunts the culture cast the vagina as the devil's playground and the gateway to hell, a woman in that culture felt herself to be built up around a core of existential shame. If, as in Elizabethan England, a culture portrays the vagina as a hole, a woman in that culture will feel that she is centered around emptiness or worthlessness; when, as in Germany and England and America after Freud, a woman's culture portrays the vagina's response as a test of womanliness, she is likely to feel herself insufficiently womanly. When a woman's culture – as in today's women's magazine-type sexual athleticism in the West – casts the ideal vagina as a producer of multiple orgasms on call, she will feel herself put to a continual, impossible test. When mass culture represents any given vagina as just one in ten million available orifices, as in today's porn industry, a woman will feel her sexual self to be replaceable, not important and not sacred.
And all this is not superficial: these perceptions are constructed at the level of neural synapses. In other words, the female brain changes physically over time in response to these kinds of repeated triggers in the environment. These triggers also affect her confidence and sense of hope."
Naomi Wolf, Vagina
Cunt: A Cultural History of the C-Word
 |
| Death Jump, by Alfred Kubin |
"The c-word, 'cunt', is perhaps the most offensive word in the English language, and consequently it has never been researched in depth. Hugh Rawson's Dictionary Of Invective contains the most detailed study of what he calls "The most heavily tabooed of all English words" (1989), though his article is only five pages long. Cunt: A Cultural History Of The C-Word is therefore intended as the first comprehensive analysis of this ancient and powerful word."
Aqui
Performative utterances
"The theme of the "uppity woman" having her vagina targeted in lieu of her brain is a universal theme still — both in emerging democracies and in the "advanced" West. In Egypt, once part of the British Empire, this practice had an echo: women protesters have played prominent roles in the"Arab Spring" and the uprising in Tahrir Square in 2011–12 — and these "unruly" women are being targeted by the state for forced vaginal exams."
Naomi Wolf, Vagina
Activist: Verdict has shamed military
Women bloggers call for a stop to 'hateful' trolling by misogynist men:
The Guardian
