Khazan: One thing that’s interesting in the love
chapter, it seems like sex is not necessarily seen as the highest
priority in a relationship. I wonder how you reached that conclusion and
whether you think that’s controversial at all in your field? A lot of
the messages we get about relationships are that once you get everything
figured out sexually, the whole ship rights itself.
Michael: I
think that expectation is really dangerous. A partnership with all that
life throws at you, and even more stuff that gets thrown at you when
you have a kid. It's really hard, and you're tired and angry, and if in
addition to that you expect the feelings to be positive and loving and
warm, you just feel like a horrible loser.
Whereas if you've gone into with more common sense, and a sense that
this is really somebody you want to be with, but you’ve also checked
them out, and they’re solid, and they’re not using substances, and they
want to go the same way you do, and if you want to have kids, that
that’s what they want too, and that they're good in a pinch and good in
an emergency—in other words, you've thought a bit about the job
description, and the values somebody has to really be a good partner in
life. Then you're much more likely 10 or 20 years later to really love
them.
I've seen people through a lot of divorces. Divorces never
seem to be because “I fell out of love with you.” Divorces are much more
partnership issues: “I love you but I can't stand the way you've spent
us into the poorhouse, or the way you never do your job, or you’re
always out at night drinking, or a certain way you never accept me and
you never did, I thought you would someday.” It all has to do with
partnership issues.
Sarah: People also, over the course of long
relationships—their interests change, and their interest in sex changes.
If you are with someone that you have vetted in this way, that you know
is reliable, that you know you can trust in certain ways, that you have
a more substantial connection with, [then] if the sex fades you have
less to worry about. Sex and attraction are two more things you really
can’t control. Especially when you get older. It's part of your
physiology that really isn’t in your hands.
Holding yourself
responsible and your relationship responsible for having the same
chemistry you once had when you first met in your 20s, and you’re now in
your 50s, is really not fair.
Mais, aqui
Ignore Your Feelings
Empathy and critical thinking
"But I think if we could turn the dial a bit, and try to take what the
philosopher Henry Sidgwick called “the point of view of the universe”,
and look from above, and realize that we are not special, none of us
are, I think it would just cause a transformation."
"That something can be used for good isn’t necessarily a knockdown argument for it."
"Here I draw a lot from Buddhism, which focuses on compassion and
kindness, loving kindness, as they call it, but rejects empathy because
it’s a poor moral guide. And I think there’s a lot of evidence
suggesting that they’re right"
"I taught a course called “Habits of Mind” last semester with a friend of
mine, Tamar Gendler, who is a philosopher, and we explored questions
such as the relationship between emotions and reason, and what it is to
live a good life."
"I think we should really discourage this sort of empathic engagement
when it comes to making moral decisions. I think we should focus on
something like compassion, on getting people to care more for others
without putting ourselves in their shoes. I think, for instance, there’s
some evidence that when it comes to being a doctor or nurse, a police
officer or therapist, that empathetic engagement leads to burn-out.
Imagine if you’re dealing with severely ill children, and you felt their
pain all the time, and the pain of their parents—you wouldn’t be able
to do that job for very long. It would kill you. What you need is to
care for them, but have some distance. Pull back. That’s what I’m
arguing for."
Aqui
Paul Bloom's Lab
Utilidades / Dicas para quem viaja
"Do you carry with you any gadgets that help you keep a healthy lifestyle
while on the road? In my latest post you can read about some of my
favourites, go read it!"
Aqui
Fire chasers
"[...] the kind of personality or driving force that pushes a person to
experience everything to the highest degree possible. The thrill
seekers, the boundary testers, the ones who chase passions and ideas
until they drop with exhaustion."
Aqui
Black swans
"Ignoring and mocking the experts , as people are doing around Brexit and
Trump’s campaign, is no different to ignoring a doctor who tells you to
stop smoking, and then finding later you’ve developed incurable cancer.
A little thing leads to an unstoppable destruction that could have been
prevented if you’d listened and thought a bit. But people smoke, and people die from it. That is the way of the human."
Aqui
Bingo
"The more complex way this happens, but still quite common, is the person
is actually held back or even shunned when they show any real ability.
This can be done by anyone, including schools, parents, friends,
significant others, society at large, bosses, or just about anybody
else. Every example below can happen from any and every one of those possibilities."
Aqui.
On getting up
"I later became a boxer in a very amateurish way and was actually awarded a prize for being the best loser. This became the story of my life. I won best loser not because of good sportsmanship, having been beaten, but because I kept getting up off the canvas, knowing that I was going to get knocked down again. They seemed to respond to and like this spirit. In one particular fight I fell down three times, and may have been knocked out three times, yet still kept getting up. My nose became a rubber ball, having been broken a few times. This started the process of defining my comic face so at least I got something out of it. I suppose it taught me I have staying power. I should've stayed down but, in some deluded way, I always thought my opponent would get tired or give up. Eventually the kids of Luton stopped beating me up. I'm still the best loser and still get up when I should have enough sense to lie down and stay there."
Marty Feldman, in "eyE Marty
On being the best
"l thought if I were to pick up an alto sax that, within an hour or so, I would be able to play like Charlie Parker, so I will never pick one up, and this will always have potential. This thing inhibits me from walking on a tightrope: as long as I never do it I might be the best in the world."
[Marty Feldman, in "eyE Marty"]
Goldiloppers And The Three Bearloders
Now, once a-polly tito. You may think that doesn't sound quite right.
But believe me, once a-polly tito it is, and in this case it was
Goldyloppers.
Goldyloppers trittly-how in the early mordy, and she
falolloped down the steps. Oh unfortunade for crackening of the eggers
and the sheebs and the buttery full-falollop and graze the
knee-clappers. So she had a vaselubrious, rub it on and a quick healy
huff and that was that. So off she went, and
she went trittly-how
down the garbage path, and at the left right-hand-side goal she passed a
[sniff] poo-pom, it was hillows a humus heapy in the garbage! But never
mind. Erm... she lost her wail.
Now this is a sadness, dear
childers, because in the slight misty haze which all forry, let me tell
you, in the ephemeral forry there's always a fairy control where the
misty risey huff there, and so she was completely lost it. Oh folly,
folly. There was a cotty; so she went up, all ready with the basket and
picked up the butter and all that with a little bit of birch she scrape
it off and rub it and down her clothesee. Mum would be cross but...
never mind. Clop clop on the door. This little cotty had a jar on the
door, so she went in. Nobody there. Three baseload of porry on the
tabloid, all slightly steamy huff, and nobody at. She called out: [as
though down a cardboard tube] "Anyone home?" Nobody. Folly, folly, and a
little hunger was with her, so she falolloped a taste out of the first
basel.This was the large baseload and too oversalty for the flabe
p't't't spitty-how. Oh dear! Now the middload was a middle flabe which
was not too oversalt and a sugar flabe on her saliva glam and it wasn't
course quite satisfactual; so she did a tasty most in the little
baseload there, and it was a joy. And oh [gulp] (pardlo!) as she
stuffled it down! Oho dear! Now this was great, but there was also a
little tiredness in the Goldyloppers and she sat on a three-lebber stool
and -- tock falolloper! -- all the lebbers floating across the corm,
sat on her bocus there, bruisey most.Well, still there was no one
around, so she went brrrrrr tock up the stairloaders. And she found a
large
bedding, not a caypack that eiderdown but stuffled with feathers, but
here and there a stalk, as you know is a big feathersy eaglode and it
stuckening in her back; and it was most uncomfortipold. So she saw the
cotty, and in this cot she did lay down: [snore, zzzzz] deep sleevers
under the eiderdobe. Well, while she was this thus sleepy and a deep
dream of peaks, then up came the bears into the cotty. Now the
fatherbold bear looking around and say: "Who's been tasting and suffling
my porry? Ho ho, dear!" And then the mother bear look it in her
baseload of porry and said: [tube voice
again] "Who been tasting my
porry? Oohhhh, a bedder pinger!" So the small bear came and said: "Who
touches my baseload and falolloping all down, mum! Huh-ha-ho dear, look
it and empty and not scratching on the bottom!" And there was a
general consternail uproar and complaint about the three-lebbed stool
bear, all the bits and floaty, and so they had a looking it around the
houseloader. [Brrrrrr tock] Big bear, [higher pitch: brrrrrr tock]
middle bear, [higher still: brrrrrr ss't't] they all went up the
stairloaders, and soon there was a dent discovery in mum and dad's
bedling
when the dirty footmark of where she did her trottly
over-and-how and then into the cops't'k. And the little bear said: "Oh
lookadee, mum! There's a lying of some Goldyloppers!" But at this mode,
she jumped up in the middle of her deep dream and sleep peacey, [snore,
whistle] out of the windload, slide it and huffalo-dowder the
drainpikers, and through the forry fast awail!
And they all looked such consternail through the windload, they hadn't time to say: "You naughty girlage!" Huh-huh-huh-huh!
Aqui
12 Reasons To Date A Woman Who Reads
1. You know she’s fine spending time on her own.
2. She’s empathetic.
3. She’s a critical thinker.
4. She has a sense of perspective.
5. She’s easily entertained.
6. She’ll be able to teach you things.
7. She’s curious.
8. She’s probably a good listener.
9. She’s easy to buy gifts for.
10. She has a great memory for detail.
11. She’s involved in the world.
12. And the best thing about dating a reader? She’ll
probably encourage you to pick up a book yourself, so you can reap all
the benefits reading has to bring. Plus, reading next to each other in
bed is so much better than playing Candy Crush.
Why? Follow link.
The sacred space
"Before you speak, ask yourself: Is it necessary?
Is it true? Does it improve on the silence?"
Shirdi Sai Baba
"I have been talking about the vital role that safety plays in creating lasting love. Two people cannot be passionate friends unless they feel safe in each other's company. Couples need to feel physically safe, to be sure, but they also need to feel emotionally safe. Without safety, they cannot say what's on their minds, express their full range of feelings, or be who they really are. They cannot lay down their armor and connect, even if they truly want to. We are all built that way. Danger activates our defenses."
Harville Hendrix, Getting all the Love You Want
on life and caring
"One of the deep secrets of life is that all that is really worth doing is what we do for others."
Lewis Carroll
Lewis Carroll
"When we were infants, unable to meet our physical and emotional needs, pain and pleasure came magically from the outside world. When the bottle or the breast appeared, our hunger was satisfied. When we were cuddled, we felt soothed. When we were left alone in our cribs to cry, we felt angry and afraid. As we grow older, our old Brain remained frozen in this passive worldview: good feelings and bad feelings were created by the actions of other people; we couldn't take care of ourselves; others had to do it for us. The part of me that hurt couldn't accept love from within myself because I had no way to receive self-love. Nor does anyone else. Salvation is not an 'inside' job; it is the outcome of being nourished by others."
Harville Hendrix, Getting all the Love You Want
Harville Hendrix, Getting all the Love You Want
cynicism
"But destruction alone, without construction to follow it, is hapless and lazy. Construction is far more difficult, because it requires the capacity to imagine something new and better, and the willingness to exert ourselves toward building it, even at the risk of failure. But that is also far more satisfying in the end."
Mais, aqui.
The power struggle
"Even today, I am impressed by how aggressively each of us defends our
seperate reality. It must be connected to our fear of the loss of self.
If I see it your way, I will have to surrender my way. If I feel your
experience, I will have to invalidate mine. If what you say is true,
then what I say must be false. There can be only one center of the
universe and that center is me! But if I muster the courage to suspend
my own point of view for a moment and then manage to see a
fraction of your reality, something miraculous happens. First of all,
you feel safer around me. Because I am no longer challenging your
worldview, you can start to lower your defenses. As you do this, you
become more willing to acknowledge a portion of my reality. Because I
have abandoned my centrist position, you are more willing to let go of
yours. To our mutual surprise, a drawbridge descends on its rusty
hinges, and you and I connect."
Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want
Oxytocin — The "cuddle" hormone
"Oxytocin's function in humans, many science writers assert, is to bond people to each other só they are better able to survive. Oxytocin also allows people to see the relationships between things and between people more clearly. David J. Linden reports that nasal oxytocin sprays that were designed to help new mothers release milk for lactation — the brand is called Liquid Trust — have been put to other uses. Those who inhaled the spray became more trusting of strangers, even after they had been betrayed in a game. They were more willing to take greater social risks. They were also more likely to see " the connections between things," meaning, in this case, they were better able to infer others' emotional states. In a famous experiment, oxytocin helped subjects correctly intuit another person's emotional state — when the subjects were given photos of human faces in which only the eyes were visible. "
Naomi Wolf, Vagina
Dopamine — The "decider" chemical
"Dopamine's optimal work in your brain is about flexibility in decision making: it helps you make the right decision at the right time for you in an ever-changing world," notes Dr. Pfaus. It is the "decider" chemical, the chemical involved in leadership and confidence building.
Naomi Wolf, Vagina
The fear of pleasure and other stuff
"People believe that separation opens their eyes to their self-defeating behaviors and gives them an opportunity to resolve those problems with a new partner. But unless they understand the unconscious Desire that motivated their dysfunctional behavior in the first relationship, and learn how to satisfy those desires with the new partner, the second relationship is destined to run aground on the same submerged rocks."
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"But there are other, subtler reasons the exercise works so well. One is that it helps people erode the infantile belief that their partners can read their minds. During romantic love, people operate out of the erroneous belief that their partners know exactly what it is that they want. When their partners fail to satisfy their secret desires, they assume that they are deliberately depriving them of pleasure. The romanticizing exercise prevents this downward spiral by requiring couples to tell each other exactly what pleases them, decreasing their reliance on mental telepathy."
--------------
"Random reinforcement, one of the principles of behavioral science, is the idea that a pleasurable action loses its effectiveness if it's repeated with predictable regularity.
[...] A behaviorist would say that the reason routine gifts aren't as exciting is that the " psychoneurological system has become desensitized to predictable, repetitive pleasure. " [...] A curve ball needs to be thrown in now and then to pique their interest. "
---------------
"I knew that when couples have fun together they identify each other as a source of pleasure and safety, which intensifies their emotional bond."
---------------
"On a conscious level, we go to great lengths to seek happiness. Why, then, should we be afraid of it? To make sense of this reaction, we need to remember that the sensation of being fully alive is deeply pleasurable. When we were young children, our life energy was boundless and we experienced intense joy. But some of our pleasure was curtailed by our caregivers so that we could be safe and conform to social norms: " Girls don't yell and run." "Don't jump on the couch." "Be careful! Come down from that tree." "You're making too much noise." But our fun was also cut short because it threatened the repressed state of our caregivers. [...] As these limits were imposed on us, sometimes in punitive ways, we began to make an unlikely association between pleasure and pain. [...] On an unconscious level, this negative stimulus triggered the fear of death. Eventually we limited our own pleasure so that we could reduce our anxiety. We learned that to be fully alive was dangerous.
However, applying the strange logic of children, we didn't blame our parents or society for equating pleasure with pain; it simply appeared to be our lot in life. We told ourselves, "My parents limited my pleasure, so I must not have been worthy of it." It was somehow safer to believe that we were intrinsically undeserving than to believe that our parents were incapable off meeting our needs or had deliberately diminished our happiness. Gradually we developed a built-in prohibition against pleasure. "
Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want
On the nature of reality and our extended capacities
"The Institute of Noetic Sciences is a nonprofit organization dedicated
to supporting individual and collective transformation through
consciousness research, transformative learning, and engaging a global
community in the realization of our human potential."
Mais, aqui
